No, I Probably Won’t Let You Touch the Hem of My Robe at CPAC
I haven’t decided whether or not I wish to attend this year’s annual gathering of conservatives called CPAC, but if I do grace everyone with my esteemed presence I would appreciate it if you would not ask to touch the hem of my robe.
Oh, I know CPAC is all fun and games for you, but that’s because you waltz into town from The Woodlands – or Marietta – or Phoenix – or wherever you live – with your various incurable illnesses – and turn CPAC into a semi-vacation. You hole up in your hotel room at the Gaylord National during the day, and go out looking for miracle cures with your execrable pals at night. And since you met me once a couple years ago, or because I deigned to respond to you once on Twitter, you want to touch the hem of my –my!– robe.
I can’t walk two feet without someone asking me to heal them. (Note: this is rarely a foxy coed wanting me to sign her copy of my latest e-book; it is typically instead someone who wants to know why I’m not following him on Twitter – as if! – or someone who has a thoughtful suggestion on how I might improve my writing – or, unbelievably, both!)
A lot of people seem to know me at CPAC, and I pretend to try hard to remember who they are. The truth is, unless they are the right type of important, I don’t bother to learn their names and forget them within 20 seconds. There are also the people who attend a lot of conservative events. This person is almost always the type of person who reads a lot of online conservative bloggers and supports their sponsors. You try to avoid healing these “time burglars” and returning even a tiny token of appreciation for the time and expense they’ve spent on you.
And because I’m highly-recognizable, it’s important I keep my healing to a minimum. While this may be your last-ditch effort for a cure, I’ve still got chores and selective sucking up to do. Plus, my robe is magnificent and very clean and I would not want it soiled by the wrong person.
Oh, I know other, lesser healers conduct their various professional activities at CPAC and still manage to interact with the rabble, but they’re the same sort who exist on Twitter without throwing repeated giant hissy fits. Maybe they like to “heal down,” but this robe only heals select people who inspire and inform and, most important, never challenge any mistakes I may have made. As the best Twitter users know, the only use for Twitter is to retweet people who retweet your Tweets.
So no, I probably won’t heal you at CPAC. The odds are not good.
If you read this post and were offended, my advice is simple: Understand you are not important enough for me to care whether or not I’ve offended you.