A Conversation With Barack Obama

So Barack Obama gave his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention last night and I just wanted to have a little talk with the President. After he thanked his wife and got the niceties out of the way, the President started out:

I know that campaigns can seem small, and even silly. Trivial things become big distractions. Serious issues become sound bites. And the truth gets buried under an avalanche of money and advertising. If you’re sick of hearing me approve this message, believe me – so am I.

Hey dude. Tough jobs report this morning, huh? But we’ll get back to that in a little while. I love that you bring up trivial things. I suspect that going forward we will no longer hear about Mitt Romney’s tax returns, right? As for all that money and advertising, didn’t you forego taking public money in 2008 because of the avalanche of donations you were getting? You did! And then you ran more negative ads against John McCain than any other presidential candidat in history. So this doesn’t feel all that honest.

Over the next few years, big decisions will be made in Washington, on jobs and the economy; taxes and deficits; energy and education; war and peace – decisions that will have a huge impact on our lives and our children’s lives for decades to come.

Oh crap. You scared me man! I was looking for Doc Brown and his DeLorean because I could swear we had gone back to 2008!

I won’t pretend the path I’m offering is quick or easy. I never have. You didn’t elect me to tell you what you wanted to hear. You elected me to tell you the truth.

Oh Barack. I hate to hear this kind of thing, but nobody elected you to tell the truth. You were elected because the economy was bad and you promised “Hope and Change.” You made big promises that you have failed to deliver. And now you want to tell us that you never said it was going to be easy? Cmon man.

And by the way – those of us who carry on his party’s legacy should remember that not every problem can be remedied with another government program or dictate from Washington.

What? Hey man, that’s all you have said will remedy our problems. The stimulus. Oh wait, you didn’t mention that. Obamacare. Oh wait, you didn’t talk about that either. Higher taxes. That you talked about, but like so many other speakers at the DNC, you seem to think somebody who makes $250,000 a year is a millionaire or a billionaire.

And I’m asking you to choose that future. I’m asking you to rally around a set of goals for your country – goals in manufacturing, energy, education, national security, and the deficit; a real, achievable plan that will lead to new jobs, more opportunity, and rebuild this economy on a stronger foundation.

Dude, you have to stop with these time warps. You’re really confusing me with this 2008 talk!

After a decade of decline, this country created over half a million manufacturing jobs in the last two and a half years.

Oh Barack. It’s great when you can cherry-pick numbers, but when you cherry pick you are not telling the whole truth. So sayeth the Associated Press. And that jobs report that came out today? Not good. Your friends over at Morning Baghdad Bob — er — Morning Joe were saying the unemployment drop to 8.1% was “great news.” Except it wasn’t a reflection of more people going to work. It was a reflection of nearly 400,000 people giving up looking. So they are no longer considered to be “unemployed.”

Millions of students are paying less for college today because we finally took on a system that wasted billions of taxpayer dollars on banks and lenders.

Sorry dude. I really hate to burst your bubble, but college is costing people more every year. Your own administration says so. Take a look. But dude, let me tell you something: Ever since the government has tried to make it more “affordable” to attend college, it has just become more expensive. If we jump in Doc Brown’s DeLorean and take a look at this report from the NY Times of all places, you will see that between 1982 and 2007, the cost of going to college increased a staggering 439 percent.

And now you have a choice – we can gut education, or we can decide that in the United States of America, no child should have her dreams deferred because of a crowded classroom or a crumbling school.

Would that include the DC schools you wanted to force children to remain in? The parents in DC that still get the chance to send their children to better schools in DC have House Speaker John Boehner to thank for that. You would have forced them to stay in those crumbling schools.

Help me recruit 100,000 math and science teachers in the next ten years, and improve early childhood education.

That sounds really familiar. Oh yeah! It’s 2008 again! Here is what you said: “I’ll recruit an army of new teachers, and pay them higher salaries, and give them more support.”

Four years ago, I promised to end the war in Iraq. We did.

No you didn’t, dude. All you did was follow the withdrawal timetable established by President George W. Bush. Kind of like Dorothy following that yellow brick road. It wasn’t hard and like Dorothy with the Scarecrow, you had a guy without a brain, as your Vice-President!

A new tower rises above the New York skyline, al Qaeda is on the path to defeat, and Osama bin Laden is dead.

Hey dude, we are all glad Osama bin Laden is dead. But you remember when you said you weren’t going to “spike the football” with regard to that? I thought maybe it was that thought I heard too celebrating during the convention so I called Terrell Owens up and asked him. He said, “Goddamn! I was waiting for Barack to pull out bin Laden’s head from behind the podium and sign it with a Sharpie!”

Now, I’m still eager to reach an agreement based on the principles of my bipartisan debt commission.

Eager? That debt commission report was issued nearly two years ago. You were about as eager to follow that thing as kids are “eager” to open up package of socks on Christmas Day.

So you see, the election four years ago wasn’t about me. It was about you.

Ouch! Damn dude! I just hit my head when I fell out of my chair. I’m sorry, who was it that gave their acceptance speech in a stadium with Greek columns and fireworks? Who was it that talked about slowing the rise of the oceans? Who was it that proclaimed, “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for?” Dude, this was always about you. If your hubris was a solid, it would be its own continent.

I recognize that times have changed since I first spoke to this convention. The times have changed – and so have I.
I’m no longer just a candidate. I’m the President.

No shit? Thanks for filling us in.

America, I never said this journey would be easy, and I won’t promise that now. Yes, our path is harder – but it leads to a better place. Yes our road is longer – but we travel it together.

Dude, this is the second time you said this. You see, as you said, you are the President. People who run for President hope they can serve two terms. But they go into office assuming they will only serve one. You can’t ask for a do-over. You cannot claim now that the promises you made 4 years ago require 8 years to fulfill. You cannot say, “I cannot fix the problems left for me by George W. Bush so please re-elect me so I can fix the problems left for me by George W. Bush.”

You are the President.

You failed.

If you want a participation ribbon, we’ll be happy to send you one.

But it requires that you move out of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Good talk, dude. Enjoy your life as a private citizen.